Berdua denganmu (Part 1)
Posted by: nurqider on: November 6, 2009
In episode : Buliding the love
Hubby is away for his team-building course with his new department (and officemates) at Port Dickson. This will actually resulted me for two quests to be solved which are :
- I am very afraid of staying alone in that house so I must have someone to accompany me
- I am not mastered myself with ‘wheels’ (although posses 7 years-old of driving license) yet, so I need help on solving the ‘how-i-am-supposed-to-go-to the-office’.
For both quests, my gratitude goes to my dear hommie. Thank you so much for the help Zera! 
However, honestly said, I am glad to have few days without him. Since we got married, I felt there’s something missing in our life. I don’t really so into ‘in love’ mode which quite scared me a bit. Back at home after office hour every day, it was quite an effort for me to create such conversation (and yet I am known to be a very talkative person among those who know me well) with him. I think I know why this happen to me, because during our pre-marriage period I always freeze my feeling towards him. I was afraid to be hurt again if this relationship didn’t work out. Yes, I do wrote that two poems (Saya perempuan biasa, Saya ada seorang kawan) but after that two poems I was cautious with my feeling. Every time I feel the ‘heartbeat’, I quickly hold it still. There’s no way I would let myself to endure the heartbroken again. Never. Yeah right, now you’re talking why you can’t fully have feeling to your husband Qider! Such genius! (sigh)
Having him far from me, actually filling the love in my heart. It was so wonderful to feel that I miss my husband so much. His cuteness when making such faces, how warm it feel to have him hold my hand tightly and how it was such blissful to hug him childishly (well, I am well-pampered by both my parents and my husband, can’t help being such a spoiled girl sumtime). Just for one drawback, (hearing the sound of song being reversed), I somehow hurt his feeling on the day he departed to Port Dickson (sigh, another genius act from Qider). Now, I am thinking on how to make it up for that (I am no sweet talker person).
Anyway, I miss you so much my cutey Teddy Bear and I am so in love with you. Can’t wait to have you back home.
Baju raya sponsor oleh ayah dan mak
p(^_^)q
gambaru!
Go! Go! Qider (Part 2)
Posted by: nurqider on: October 8, 2009
In Episode : Cuba untuk tidak terlalu ‘breaking down’
Sebelum itu,
‘..Firdaus ni datang opis ke tak? Tak dengar suara langsung pun ni….’,sedangkan waktu itu aku duduk diam-diam di ‘workstation’,menghadap komputer riba syarikat. Tiada jawapan.
Selepas beberapa lama…
‘…nak tanya sikit boleh?husband tak bagi Firdaus bising-bising kat opis ke?….’, seperti biasa, topeng senyum cepat-cepat aku letak di mukaku.
pics.novica.com
Dan semalam,
‘..Firdaus,kenapa makin kurus ni? Muka dah nampak nak cengkung…’, dan aku sepenuh kudrat yang ada menyambar topeng senyumku, neurotransmitter pantas bekerja menyampaikan isyarat kepada saraf mata supaya kilang air mata dihentikan serta merta!
Cukup-cukuplah menangis. Cukuplah. Kamu bukan manusia bernama perempuan yang cepat terpengaruh dengan emosi. Kamu ialah manusia spesis perempuan yang kuat terdorong dengan rasional.
Hari ini dan semalam, aku tetap dengan ‘mode:hidup ini layankan apa sahaja yang terjadi’.
Masalah tetap sama ; komunikasi.
Kepala + otak : sudah tiada idea apa lagi mahu diusahakan. Bukan tiada idea, tapi sudah beralah dengan keadaan. Biarlah apa pun terjadi. Layankan aje.
Mulut : senyap.sunyi.sepi
Keputusan : tiada perubahan
Dengar lagu Mawi feat KRU, ‘Sujud’
‘Hanya Dia saja menentuDan kita hanya mampu sujud……’
Terus otak memberi arahan : Jangan menangis. Air mata cepat kering,jangan jatuh ke pipi.
Dengar lagu Rabbani, ‘Mana Milik Kita’
‘Kita Allah punya, Dunia ini ciptaan-Nya Miliklah apa saja, Tidak terlepas dari ciptaan-Nya Mana kita punya, Tidak ada kepunyaan kita Kita hanya mengusahakan, Apa yang telah ada’Aku, mahu meminta maaf.
Mulut, tetap berat, sepi dan sunyi.
Qider Firdaus Bukit Jalil
p(^_^)q
gambaru!
Be brave with your life
Posted by: nurqider on: September 14, 2009
This morning as usual both of us were late to the office. I don’t care (even though my hubby suggested that we take emergency half day leave) I still had to go. Honestly said, I had no leave left given that I used all of them during our trip to Beijing last month. Hey, no worry, I am trying to write about that trip. On our way (my hubby’s driving, of course), I prayed that God will make me stronger with this life’s, my life’s tests. I hope that He will Help me get through all of them. I felt quite calm after that which I had never experienced during this few months period. And then I realized one thing, last few weeks, I kept praying for no test, hoping it will be trouble-free-day. I am afraid to face any ‘situation’, as normally, it will ended up me easily get mad or sad. To make the situation worst, I got blank on how to make it up again. It drives me crazy.
On Friday morning last week, I was so dejected (pinjam word Achique). As I did my task (although not to my boss’ expectation, lain disuruh lain yang aku buat), running simulation on the laptop, I stole some time reading articles on my fave web. Among few that I read (actually 10 and more, sebab tu kerja lambat siap, balik pun lambat), I come across those which older ones that I already read before I got married. Suddenly, I realized that I wanted to make it up. Only until the very end of office hours then I somehow (without really thinking) apologized for my wrong doing with him (thru Skype, kalau nak tunggu bersuara sampai sudah tak minta maaf). After that, I am cheerful again (even though we arrived home very late, almost the time for breaking fast that day). Yes, apologize and forgiveness work wonders in life. The last two days (the weekend), the house was very lively (thanks to my sister who spend the weekend with us, helping us tidy up the house).
I remember, I once wrote that when we asked God to make us wiser, stronger and patience in life, doesn’t He then gave us the hardship so that when we get through the hardship, we will become more stronger, more wiser and more patience? I eat my own words (sigh). I now understand that actually I rejected to accept the hardship, making me narrowed minded and that’s why resulted me being constantly driven by emotion. Bad emotions. Allowing the negative charges to fully install within my mind. I was chicken out to take the challenge. I want to be brave again. I want to be ME again. It is ME who make my life to be what my heart desire, so if I want my life to be happy, blissful, I must be happy first.
My source of laughter
Have a blissful and happy life guys.
Qider Firdaus Bukit Jalil
p(^_^)q
gambaru!
Unbound me from this felling…
Posted by: nurqider on: September 11, 2009
Am I too childish in this ‘new world’? Or the right word maybe that my ‘new world’ still in early stage (pujuk diri sendiri..uhuks). There are a lot to be learnt along the way, be tough, some might say. But why, I don’t feel like to learn though? Why everything that happens always trigger my anger? I realize that lately, it always hard for me to be patience. I always let the anger influence my actions and when I regained ‘consciousness’, the damage is already beyond repair. Then, as I always failed to (or shud I say too coward to admit the mistake, to ego to say sorry) do anything, the thing I feel like doing is hugging my knees accompanied by bubuk, crying silently in the corner. My God Qider, such behaviour!
Really want to write, writing makes me happy
Sometime I really feel like to go out, clear my mind a bit like I used to do before when I was caught with ‘situation’, but REALLY after the change of status, I cant do like that anymore. Before this, when I have problem with someone dear to me, I always succeed of having the courage to talk about the ‘situation’ that we’re engaged to, now all I have just the empty me. And that’s why I am what I am right now. All the sadness, all the tantrums, all the angers have resulted to the longing for those happy moments I used to have before and the strong feeling to get out from the ‘space’. I miss the HAPPY Qider. I miss everything. Honestly, I am so clueless rite now.
Me and Anne
Me & Aihara
I adore my dad so much because he always had answers to my questions and he even made it easy for me to understand. I love my siblings because we always open to each other, understand each other situation, always the source of my-mother-unapproved-big-laugh despite of the ‘fight’ that sometime arise. I appreciate my friends (although to the few that I already lost, my own fault, their rush jump to the worst judgment also) because they always know how to response to my thoughts even it sometime hatched heated arguments, but still, they listen. They want to listen. And they talk to me back. And that made me wanted so much to listen to them back.
Lucky I still have my job (although thinking of leaving it). Lucky I have those people. I even feel that I am far away from God. I don’t want to cry anymore as it will make me fall sick. I need to be healthy, to be strong for the sake of others who still need me. Also, I need to look young too ;-p. People, I don’t want a comforting words. I write this because I can no longer trap the feeling in my mind. It is torturing me like hell. I want to get out from it. Till then, I wish for the courage to write more happy things here. I really miss to write those happy moments with those happy people that I love so much.
Qider Firdaus Bukit Jalil
p(^_^)q
gambaru!
Go! Go! Qider…..
Posted by: nurqider on: September 1, 2009
My wedding, the trip to Beijing, the memories that I would love to cherish, the lessons that I gained in the present even my visit to my cousin’s place at Melaka meeting my three favourite Power Rangers yesterday are those thing I would love to write and share here. However, given to the recent situation, which I am so emotionally influenced, it is hard for me to even open my laptop.
continually sadness making my life horribly unstable
I am so weak (emotionally) this few weeks. Last night, I felt that I had enough of crying endlessly, keeping myself in sadness, easily bursting in anger but failed to talk about it and making those who love me worried bout me. It was the first time ever I made a decision not to call or even sms to my beloved ‘beruang kuning’ and ‘ibtisam_gurl’. I wanted to be their source of comfort, not the other way around.
I just want a normal conversation. I cannot live in the world full of loneliness, so quiet and where I have no gut to pluck the courage to utter even a word. My thoughts, everything that I want to say was keep within me until I myself can hear loudly in my head that my heart keep talking endlessly.
Gambaru Qider-chan!
I need to free myself, my mind, increase my motivation so that I can be happy again. I don’t want to be bothered anymore with the quiet life. I know that I have a commitment in that quiet life but if this keep going on, I will ended myself always miserable. I must change the atmosphere to be what I wanted it to be. Energetic, happy and lively!
Qider Firdaus Bukit Jalil
p(^_^)q
gambaru!
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